Well where on earth do I start????
Have you still been thinking of your 3 positive things about each day??? I hope you have because he hell i’ve been through over the last 2 weeks I feel the need to repeat myself a thousand times and scream from the top of Everest that your life is amazing!!!!!
My positive things today were 1. seeing a lot of my family, including my gorgeous little miracle Kimberley, 2. Getting a shower (It might sound silly but the ability to move my legs is a big bonus) and 3. Writing to all you lovely people out there who want to know how i’m getting on.
Well here’s the start, I’ve had possibly the worst 2 weeks of my entire life!!! The pain has been so horrendous I am now in a hospice where I have both an epidural line in and also a syringe driver with ketamine going into my system and along with regular diamorphine injections I can nearly say im pain free!!! Ha!! I was in Warrington Hospital for 11 days where I was cared for really well but there is only a certain amount of things that hospitals can do for the pain that I was in so I have been moved to Willlowbrook Hospice where they are able to keep on top of the pain and also get me back to a position where I am comfortable enough to go back home!! The ward I was on in Warrington hospital was fantastic the care and love that i received there was fantastic and id like to thank again all of the nurses, and staff who made me believe in myself again and who brought me back to life, and a life worth living too!!!
Now i’m at a hospice which again is amazing everyone here are fantastic at their jobs and are treating me so well. I now have a plan and the pan is to gradually increase the level of the drug ketamine in my syringe driver and to over the next 5 days remove the epidural line….. hopefully!!! This under monitoring for a good few days will hopefully get me to a position where i can go home and stay on the driver to keep the pain under control. This is my goal and i’m hoping that ill be home in time to make it to the fund raiser on the 15th September 2012!!!
Setting goals is an amazing way to live! You create a drive in yourself that you didn’t necessarily know you had!! You set your mind on something and you don’t let go! Its when you let go of these goal and these ambitions that things can start slipping away from you!! I found that out the hard way, the pain I was in was dragging me down to the point I didn’t even want to live.
Mentally my mind felt like it had died I was receiving bad news over and over and I just couldn’t take any more….. at least I thought I couldn’t at the time!!! I now know differently!!! I now know that my body is withstanding the most enormous pressure and yet I can still stand, my mind has gone through the what I believe to be the most difficult time and yet still allows me to smile every day!! I believe that we , ourselves create a wall to allow ourselves to fight and fight and never stop!! Now its this fight that i’m using to build myself back to a point where I can handle anything!!! WHICH I CAN!!!
I can honestly say that each morning when I awake and I see the trees outside blowing in the wind, or see the sun shining down on the bird bath, that I have never been happier!!! My life up to now has been a bit of a whirlwind and I would not change one single thing about it!! I have in my life the most unbelievably family and friends, and I know i’ve said this a thousand times before but its you, its them people that have kept me going through the times when I didn’t think I could.
Now, back to my goals……. Getting home, once my pain is under control i’ll be going to stay with my mum and dad for a short while with Peter and the baby as we are having things done to the house to make them more accessible to me (which all you amazing people who sponsored the lads 3 peaks challenge is helping to fund) were having a downstairs toilet put in and changing the bedroom to downstairs etc so its slightly easier for me to waddle around hehehe!!!! As you can tell i’m really excited about this as again its now one of my goals (plus I love decorating so i’ve been having my mind work overtime buzzing with ideas hehehe!!)
I cant think of a way to truly thank all f you for the support and the help that i’ve been given by all of you my blog started off being something to maybe help someone who had been dealt the cards that i had and to let them know that there not alone and there is support out there, but now its turned into something that im doing for myself to help me get out feelings that I may not know how to put into words.
I had my hair cut the other day too, into a bob (picture to come lol) which I thought would be good to start gradually going shorter so that when I hopefully am strong enough to withstand more chemotherapy that it wont be such a shock!!! I love it too ‘Hair by Victoria’ amazing girl hehehe and one of my best friends who came and pampered me in the hospice hehe!!!
Anyway I’ll stop blabbing on for tonight but will keep you all updated now Im back to the life of the living, but please remember that life is an opportunity that has been given to us to grab hold of and make each moment an adventure!! Live every second like its your last and grab hold of the people you love and never let go, because there the ones who make that life of yours worth living!!! Wake up each day and remember your here on this earth for a reason not only to breathe but to take that breath and hold it, and make things happen for you!!! Make your life worth it be brave be bold and most definitely be beautiful because nothing says how happy you truly are more then a smile!!
LIVE LIFE LIKE AN ADVENTURE THAT IT CAN BE!!! <3<3<3