Life xxx

Hey everyone,

I don’t know where to start really??? I feel like all I’m doing is repeating myself but I also feel like I need to repeat myself!! The things that I keep talking about and telling you are soooo important!! I’m talking about YOUR LIFE!!! About how you should live it to its fullest and forget anything that holds you back!!
It’s easy for me to say because I know how it feels to have time ripped off my life!! I got told that the cancer has grown in my liver and lungs and the doctors have put a time limit on my life!! I was told not long ago that I don’t have years to live anymore and that I need to make the most of the months I have left!!
But then I said screw you!!! I won’t have someone putting my life on a timeline!! My life is MY LIFE and I will be around for my daughter and my husband!! Before my big stand I was understandably upset. I cried all night, and felt soooo alone (I wasn’t, I had my mum dad and Peter with me) I felt as though no one was able to see me as though I was screaming but no one could hear me!! I can’t explain how I felt because I don’t understand it myself, it was strange!!
It was hard to hear for all of us but we all know that the only way to live now is positively! We try to rearrange our lives to allow ourselves to do the things that we have Wanted to do and spend time as a family!
I woke up the next morning and ritualistically done my 3 good things and the day already seemed brighter!! I decided at the minute I woke up that I was in control of my life and no one can take that control away from me!!
So have you done your 3good things today?? Have you thought about what you want in life??? Not to constantly repeat myself but the difference it will make will really help in changing your life for the better!!
Make a difference in your life and by doing this you will make a difference in the lives of those around you!

Live your life like each day matters!! Don’t allow anyone to change or destroy your dreams, wishes should be actions and not figments of your imagination!! Make your life an adventure!!

LIVE <3<3<3

Thank You

Hey Everyone,

Well what can I possibly say about yesterday????? I had the most amazing time and I was soooo overwhelmed by everyone’s efforts. I walked into the fund raiser and my mouth nearly dropped my eyes started watering and the smile on my face got even bigger!! It was brilliant. Ruth, one of my best friends in the world had done everything and I honestly dont know how she done it! There was everything, from minnie mouse and peppa pig, to face painting, bands and bouncy castles, tombola’s, raffles, auctions, candy floss and little animals for the kids to play with!!! I couldn’t believe it!!!

I just want to say a massive thank you,

1. To everyone who came to support me,
2. To the Ring O Bells and all the staff for allowing the day to happen
3. All the volunteers who had the stalls and helped out
4. And finally a massive thank you to Ruth who organised it all and basically made the day happen.

I have just been sat here thinking about how lucky I am and wanted to express how much I appreciate everyone’s efforts.
Having all them people around me supporting me and basically just being there to show how much they care just made my day. It has proven to me that my fight isn’t just ‘my fight’ its everyone’s you are all surrounding me with the love and care that I need to carry on with my fight and make sure that i’m trying my hardest to plan ahead! Planning ahead is really important to me because I need to get my pain under control, to build myself up to the point where I can put on the weight that I need and to mentally get my head around the fact that this is happening to me. Once I am back on track with the pain etc I can then go back to my clinic with the possibility of restarting my chemotherapy, which had to be stopped because of the infection that I got was extremely bad!! This is my main goal as when I was on the last batch of chemo I had a scan which shown that the primary tumour had shrunk slightly on one side and grew slightly on the other, however there had been no more growth in the tumours that are in my liver and my lung and no sign of spreading anywhere else. This was obviously the best news I could ask for because it means that it was stable and under control. Now im scared stiff that this is going to change as ive not been on the chemo for a while now. Im worried that its now going to start spreading again.

I think its because I had such good scan results that im worried that next time its going to change again!!
However having all my family and friends around me making me realise that I do have the strength to carry on and stay positive is what’s making me strong.

Positivity is the best way to get me through this and its all the people around me that keep me smiling that are keeping me positive. Everyone who sees me says that smile on my face is bigger then ever and to be honest I feel that having the cancer has allowed me to realise how good life actually is that is why the smile never leaves my face.

Life has been amazing to me I have been so lucky with everything that the cancer has made me realise just how lucky I actually am and that’s why I need to spread the word and make sure everyone knows that life is soooo short and you never know when or why something is going to happen to change your perfect life! I need to let everyone know to appreciate every second that they’ve got. Think of your 3 things and now start thinking about the 3 dreams you have, and I mean the major dreams and write them down! Put them on the wall that you can see everyday and remind yourself that them dreams need to come true and the only way that, that can happen is if you make them happen. My dream is to go to London when im fit enough and go round all the museums and art galleries and then watch a show (Wicked if its out) then go shopping the next day and spoil Kimberley rotten!! I would love to take her to London Zoo aswell.
This is one of my dreams and I am going to do it as soon as im well enough to get out of here and back home, which is another of my dreams as im unable to go until I can get the bathroom and my bedroom are downstairs. Im so excited to decorate my new bedroom too. I have lots of dreams and places that i want to go and take Kimberley and these are all my ambitions (I dont know call it a bucket list or whatever.)
I would like everyone to do this and start changing your life for the better making your life fuller and start doing things for yourself. Following your dreams is the start of making changes to your life and allowing you to smile more!! Dont let anyone ruin your dreams and your ambitions and keep your beautiful smiles on your faces because no matter how big or small your dreams are they all count!!!

Thanks again for all your support I love you all! <3

LIFE CAN BE AN ADVENTURE IF YOU MAKE IT THAT WAY!!! <3<3<3

Today

Hey everyone,

I just wanna say a few quick words to say how thankful I am for all you amazing people who are supporting me through my cancer!! It’s not just your kind words that help me through its knowing that your thinking about me!!
I want you all to know that your all helping me though my fight and helping me battle on everyday!
I’ve never known so much support and it’s helped me realise how amazing people and life can actually be! You are the people that are changing my life! Your making me believe that there is so much love in this world that before I had this terrible disease I didn’t realise there was!! It’s you who are allowing me to still enjoy everyday!!

However I want you to realise that my life has changed because of you!! I have a counsellor (which u know) who helps me put my situation into a positive light, but it’s not just him that’s changed my way of life it’s you all too!!

I really want u all to know that life is a gift that we’ve been given and I know I’ve said it before but we need to grasp it with both hands and make the most of every second we have in this world!!
My life as you all know it has been flipped upside down and I now realise how precious each minute of life is! I felt like I was losing my life during my last time in hospital everything had gone from bad to worse and I felt like I was slipping away but it was the people around me that brought me back, they literally dragged me out of the gutter and put me back together again piece by piece!
All of us have people in our lives that will do this for us! That Care enough for us to help us through our darkest hours and back into the sunshine!!

Today is the day of the fund raiser that one of my best friends Ruth has organised for me to get me some money to put a downstairs toilet into my house as my mobility isnt too good and getting up and down the stairs is very hard for me! I can’t wait to get there and see everyone and thank everyone in person for there support! I can’t wait to get my face painted with my daughter and play with her outside of a hospital which I havent been able to do in over a month!!!
I’m soooooo excited!!!!

I’m trying to express how amazing life can be and also how hard it can be! But the light shines through the hard times and allows us to see that the good times outweigh the bad!!

So get off your bums today and do something for you! Make your life worth living, and make it an adventure!! Think of your 3 good things for today and also think of something that you want to do this weekend and make it happen, make it something for you or your family and just do it from a picnic in the garden to going out for a dance tonight, make your dreams come true (even the little ones!)

Our little dreams and wishes are what’s getting us through each day with smiles on our faces!! Live life to the fullest and allow it to bring us joy each day, allow it to be filled with all our loved ones and the people we care most about and live like the beautiful people we can be!! The prettiest girls are the happy ones and the ones that put smiles on everyone’s faces!!

SMIlLE BECAUSE YOUR WORTH IT <3<3<3

Live for You!!

Hey Everyone,

I hope your all well and enjoying the nice weather, and got your 3 things for today??? I’m awake and struggling this morning i’m in a lot of pain that I cant seem to get a handle on so i’m writing this to try and take my mind off the pain!! Its not working yet lol!!! The doctors come round on a Monday though to discuss each patient and to talk about the next step really so ill know a bit more after that and will hopefully things will have settled by then!! Its funny how things can change soooo easily and that’s what makes me understand why people can also change!! I know that I have changed throughout the last 10 months and not in just one way, ive changed for the better by overcoming my worst moments in life!! I think this is true for all of us and you will see when your faced with adversity and distress your mind just seems to work its way through it!!

My mind had a bit of help by the counsellor that I was seeing but everyone can use the techniques to make there lives more of a treasure and more of a life that you want to live.

Things in life are sent to try us and god will only give us these trials because he knows that we can handle them. its in our own lives that we need to undesrstand this so that we can get over them and rise above our dark clouds to see the silver lining and the sun that shines behind them!!

I believe in being strong when everything is going wrong and I believe the happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles!
I love this quote sent to me by an amazing woman and is my mantra!

LIVE LIFE LIKE YOU, BEAUTIFULLY <3<3<3

My Next Steps

Hi Everyone,

 

Well where on earth do I start????

Have you still been thinking of your 3 positive things about each day??? I hope you have because he hell i’ve been through over the last 2 weeks I feel the need to repeat myself a thousand times and scream from the top of Everest that your life is amazing!!!!!

My positive things today were 1. seeing a lot of my family, including my gorgeous little miracle Kimberley, 2. Getting a shower (It might sound silly but the ability to move my legs is a big bonus) and 3. Writing to all you lovely people out there who want to know how i’m getting on.

Well here’s the start, I’ve had possibly the worst 2 weeks of my entire life!!! The pain has been so horrendous I am now in a hospice where I have both an epidural line in and also a syringe driver with ketamine going into my system and along with regular diamorphine injections I can nearly say im pain free!!! Ha!! I was in Warrington Hospital for 11 days where I was cared for really well but there is only a certain amount of things that hospitals can do for the pain that I was in so I have been moved to Willlowbrook Hospice where they are able to keep on top of the pain and also get me back to a position where I am comfortable enough to go back home!! The ward I was on in Warrington hospital was fantastic the care and love that i received there was fantastic and id like to thank again all of the nurses, and staff who made me believe in myself again and who brought me back  to life, and a life worth living too!!!

 

Now i’m at a hospice which again is amazing everyone here are fantastic at their jobs and are treating me so well. I now have a plan and the pan is to gradually increase the level of the drug ketamine in my syringe driver and to over the next 5 days remove the epidural line….. hopefully!!! This under monitoring for a good few days will hopefully get me to a position where i can go home and stay on the driver to keep the pain under control.  This is my goal and i’m hoping that ill be home in time to make it to the fund raiser on the 15th September 2012!!! 

Setting goals is an amazing way to live! You create a drive in yourself that you didn’t necessarily know you had!! You set your mind on something and you don’t let go! Its when you let go of these goal and these ambitions that things can start slipping away from you!! I found that out the hard way, the pain I was in was dragging me down to the point I didn’t even want to live. 

Mentally my mind felt like it had died I was receiving bad news over and over and I just couldn’t take any more….. at least I thought I couldn’t at the time!!! I now know differently!!! I now know that my body is withstanding the most enormous pressure and yet I can still stand, my mind has gone through the what I believe to be the most difficult time and yet still allows me to smile every day!! I believe that we , ourselves create a wall to allow ourselves to fight and fight and never stop!! Now its this fight that i’m using to build myself back to a point where I can handle anything!!! WHICH I CAN!!!

I can honestly say that each morning when I awake and I see the trees outside blowing in the wind, or see the sun shining down on the bird bath, that I have never been happier!!! My life up to now has been a bit of a whirlwind and I would not change one single thing about it!! I have in my life the most unbelievably family and friends, and I know i’ve said this a thousand times before but its you, its them people that have kept me going through the times when I didn’t think I could.

Now, back to my goals……. Getting home, once my pain is under control i’ll be going to stay with my mum and dad for a short while with Peter and the baby as we are having things done to the house to make them more accessible to me (which all you amazing people who sponsored the lads 3 peaks challenge is helping to fund) were having a downstairs toilet put in and changing the bedroom to downstairs etc so its slightly easier for me to waddle around hehehe!!!! As you can tell i’m really excited about this as again its now one of my goals (plus I love decorating so i’ve been having my mind work overtime buzzing with ideas hehehe!!)

I cant think of a way to truly thank all f you for the support and the help that i’ve been given by all of you my blog started off being something to maybe help someone who had been dealt the cards that i had and to let them know that  there not alone and there is support out there, but now its turned into something that im doing for myself to help me get out feelings that I may not know how to put into words.

I had my hair cut the other day too, into a bob (picture to come lol) which I thought would be good to start gradually going shorter so that when I hopefully am strong enough to withstand more chemotherapy that it wont be such a shock!!! I love it too ‘Hair by Victoria’ amazing girl hehehe and one of my best friends who came and pampered me in the hospice hehe!!!

Anyway I’ll stop blabbing on for tonight but will keep you all updated now Im back to the life of the living, but please remember that life is an opportunity that has been given to us to grab hold of and make each moment an adventure!! Live every second like its your last and grab hold of the people you love and never let go, because there the ones who make that life of yours worth living!!! Wake up each day and remember your here on this earth for a reason not only to breathe but to take that breath and hold it, and make things happen for you!!! Make your life worth it be brave be bold and most definitely be beautiful because nothing says how happy you truly are more then a smile!!

 

LIVE LIFE LIKE AN ADVENTURE THAT IT CAN BE!!! <3<3<3

Fund raisers!!

Hi Everyone,

Well where am I up to now????
I’ve just had my first lot of my new chemo an I’m now slumped on the couch watching the olympics hehe!
I don’t think anyone who has not been touched by cancer will ever know the true effect that it has on those not only hit by the treatment but those around them too!!

The treatment that I’ve now started is going to make my hair fall out, I’m not really looking forward to this but not for any other reason other then people will see that I’m Ill. The last thing that I want is people treating me differently!!

There’s a lot going on with fund raising around me at the minute, my wonderful husband, brother and cousin along with another 9 men are raising money for me by climbing the 3 highest mountains in the UK! Along with this all my favourite nurses are also climbing the 3 peaks for a charity close to my heart, CLIC Sargent’s which has been a great help for me over the last 9 months!! As well as all this one of my best friends is organising a fund raiser with The Ring O’Bells pub which is bursting with things to do with the children and bands will be playing all day on the 15th September from 2-8!! I’m really excited about all the up and coming events that are involving myself and my loved ones!!

I’m feeling very drowsy at the minute from the chemo, falling asleep watching the boxing which is the opposite result to what it is supposed to have!!
The pain is still extremely bad and I’ve had to have 4units of blood prior to me having my chemo because I had a bad fall right onto the tumour from blacking out on Tuesday morning after getting out of bed!!

Anyway good luck to all my fabulous friends and family for these climbs I love you all so much and I’ll b updating shortly!!!

LIVE <3<3<3

The Next Stage

Hi everyone,

Well today I went to see my oncologist, I had an MRI scan last week which I’ve now found out one of the tumours has grown and caused a fistula!!
It has increased the chances of an infection so they’ve stopped my Avastin there changing my oxcelaplatin to something else and put me on strong antibiotics!! My oncologists lovely and I do believe that he will do the best for me! When I spoke to the consultant surgeon he told me there was no chance of me having surgery as I would end up dying in hospital (this scared me a little) but hopefully if the tumour can be shrunk I may be able to have it fixed!!

The oncologist also gave me an example of time that each drug can give you and this shook me up a bit! At first I thought he was telling me I had 2 months to live but then I realised he wasn’t talking about me!! I think sometimes when you hear something you concentrate only on some words and that’s what I did today!!

The different chemotherapy that I’m going on causes hair loss so I’m going back to vanity but I’m scared because at the minute I don’t look sick but I keep thinking that I’m going to look ill and people may treat me differently!! I want people to act normally around me!!

I do understand that the disease is progressing but I know I can beat it so hair or no hair I’m going to win my fight!!! I truly believe that I’m strong enough to fight and will do till the end!!!

So what’s my point for today, well basically as usual it’s to make the most of every minute we get on earth!! Our lives are what we make of them and I know that if I’ve got 2years or 2weeks I’m going to do what I Want when I want so I can say I lived my life exactly the way I wanted to!!
I’m planning lots of holidays and lots of time with my family!!! Live your life for you not for anyone else!! Your truly beautiful and dont let anyone say differently because jealousy and anger are bitter trates and it just shows how ugly people can be!! Don’t let them people bring you down, they don’t deserve your tears!! I’ve learnt this though previous encounters and want other people to see how real beauty shines through smiles and a gentle attitude!!!

STAY BEAUTIFUL and LIVE <3<3<3